New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
