so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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