Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
