I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
