Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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