turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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