I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
