Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
