listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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