What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
