she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
