if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
