WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
