based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize