Umm I'm too high to move.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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