where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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