I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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