I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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