I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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