I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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