We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
