I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
