i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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