Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
