Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
