apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
