mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
