so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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