thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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