I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
