and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
