he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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