Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
