tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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