New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
home. puking in laundry basket.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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