fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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