Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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