My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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