I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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