Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
