My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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