Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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