rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
