my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
