I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
