life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
