My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
