Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
