Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
