I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
