I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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