i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
