His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
