you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
