Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
