dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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