my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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